December's Illusion

In my late 20’s early 30’s I thought I had all the time in the world. I thought that I still had time to find the perfect man, get married again, have another baby, buy the perfect home, raise my family in a normal atmosphere, go to college, get a great job…save money for retirement, take a cruise, travel out of the United States, visit far away lands.

I thought that I had time to change my life to make it something better. Then I woke up one day with six grandchildren, three adult daughters and my life falling apart around me. I am 48.

How did I get here? I feel like I have slept through most of my life.

I have been married for the past 11 years to a wonderful man whom I cherish more than anything and in all reality is the perfect man for me. I raised my daughters alone for the most part of their lives and they are strong beautiful women, however, how they got to be so wonderful is beyond me. I am proud of who they have become in spite of their humble beginnings.

I went to college finally when they were in their teens and I was in my thirties, but it has taken me almost 12 years to find what I think is the perfect job.

Five years ago I woke up one day and found myself well in my fourties and I knew that I hadn’t done some of the things I wanted to do and I couldn’t go back and do them. Of course, at my age I wouldn’t even harbor the idea of another child, but if I could just win that lottery, I would buy a house, I would go visit a few far away places that I have always dreamed of visiting, and I would have enough to retire on.

I thought that there was so much in my life that I had time to do, then I thought that I didn’t have time to do any of it, but then I woke up and realized that yeah, I may not be where I had hoped to be by the age of 48, and while I haven’t done alot of the things that I wanted to do, I some how managed to keep my perspective on those things that mattered the most and surrounded my life with my family, precious friendships and love.

and that’s about all I have to say. Not worth writing anyway.

The sun is shinning, the air is warm, with that spring breeze gently blowing, and the sky is a beautiful shade of blue with patches of white fluffy clouds here and there. My music is the birds and the roar of lawn mowers…I could do without the lawn mowers but even those are pleasing; it means warm weather and sunshine.

I miss the symphony of the backyard at the in-laws house – the spring was inspiring with all the nature that seemed to surround it.  I enjoyed the occasional fox that wandered past on the hunt for something edible, the deer that would jump the fence to wander in the backyard to eat the bird seed out of the feeders, the flocks of turkey’s that would ungracefully fly over the fence and scatter throughout the yard for some morsel of something that they couldn’t find on the other side of the fence. It always amazed me that we were so close to the cities, yet there was all this wildlife right in our backyard.

I wonder sometimes if the Indigo Buntings that used to make the woods behind their home in the summer wonder where their specially purchased wild bird seed went…there is no bird seed there any longer. I enjoyed watching the nuthatches fly down for a black sunflower seed and fly back up to the tree – standing upside down, pop, pop, popping the seed against the bark on the tree to crack the shell open to reveal the seed inside. Why they thought standing upside down cracked that seed any easier is beyond me – but it sure was interesting to watch.

We had owls there too – at night, late at night I would stand on the deck and listen as a deep call sounded off to my left, and then moments later a higher pitched call in answer on my right deeper in the woods. They would call and answer to each other for hours…makes you wonder why they didn’t just fly to each other then they wouldn’t have to holler so loud. Maybe one was an old male and the other a young male and they were each declaring their space in the woods. Naw, I much rather enjoy thinking that they were mates, calling out their desires to each other.

Its been 3 years since the last time I went camping. I’d like to do that this year, but I’m not really sure that will be a possibility because of the other committments I have. Its definately going to be a busy summer.

I managed to plant a small garden in the back yard. We have a tomato plant, a row of cucumbers, a row of carrots, a row of peas and a row of radishes. I said it was small. I also planted some beautiful flowers. In front I have some bleeding hearts, a miniture rose bush given to me by my family during my second surgery and stay at the hospital this spring, some sort of flower moss ( as well as the rose moss in the hanging basket, pampered under lights in the basement all winter), and in back I have several pots of english daisies, orange daisies, and a variety of others, as well as all my house plants that are huddled on the deck in the shade, gradually being exposed to the outdoors.

Aside from the chore of taking care of the flowers and garden, I also have a trip home planned sometime next month. I’m looking forward to that. I’m planning to stay a night with each of my brothers, but I am also spending a few days with a very good friend that I haven’t seen in over 11 years. I’m a bit worried about what she will think of me – I have changed so much, and I am told she hasn’t really changed, on top of which she is single now and very much into the party, beer drinking stage…she is where I was at when I left home all those years ago, plus my circumstances have really changed me. Oh well – we were best of friends then, I think we will still be best of friends now…

Then when I return from that trip, I have a trip to Wyoming to make after the birth of my third granddaughter. I hope to stay there a couple of weeks to help out my grandbabies Mommy. I remember how much I could have used the help after my second child was born.

When I finally return from that trip I have to start preparring for the craft fair that The Knot & Bauble Shoppe will be participating in at the Slice of Shoreview festivities. I need to make sure I have enough inventory and I need to make sure everyone’s products are inventoried and cataloged, and that we have everything we need to make the sale a success.

During all that I still have the flowers, the garden, the grandbaby, the house work….but its good to stay busy.

Yet for now, think I will just lie back and gaze up into the sky, letting the warmth of the sunshine warm my heart, soul and face…and bask in the blessing of this beautiful day.

The sunshine brings out the gardener in me. I want to get out there and dig my hands in some fine dark dirt, plant a few seeds and watch the fruits of my labor grow, trying to cultivate some beauty in a world of dark times and despair.

I hate watching the news any more – it’s all bad news anyway. If it isn’t someone robbing someone, it’s someone killing someone, horrific car accidents or the news about the upcoming election and who is going to be first and who is going to be second. Our choices for President this election deepen the fear of future. Nothing is as it used to be, nothing either Obama or Clinton promise makes me feel very secure at all.

I worry about my future, I worry about my children’s future, I worry about my grandchildren future, and their children’s future. The economy is hurting horribly, this is so evident in the sales on the Knot & Bauble Shoppe, I can only imagine what other stores are experiencing. If that isn’t bad enough, not only do we suffer the horrible rising costs of food and fuel, we now need to seriously consider a day when there will no longer be any oil or fuel, I don’t even want to think of the crimes and wars there will be when that happens.

I guess I will be like an Ostrich, and bury my head in the dirt. Its almost the only way to ignore all of this. Yet, I don’t ignore it; I do my best to conserve every chance I get. I turn off unneeded lights, use candles for light when I can, walk as often as I can to where I need to go, and try not to use the gas to heat my home any more than necessary. My small and feeble attempts don’t make much of a dent, but compiled with a lot of other small attempts to conserve, it’s got to count for something.

In order to displace myself from it all I bury myself in my immediate family, friends, and hobbies…especially hobbies and family…more importantly the Grand babies…I wish for the millionth time that Melissa, Brad & Kailie were here so I could enjoy Kailie and our new grand baby that will be here in just 9 to 10 short weeks growing up as I am Lexi.

My latest fear is the possibility of Kirk and Steph buying a home in Cottage Grove – which is really only 15-20 minutes from here; but that’s in good traffic. During rush hour it would be an hour from here. It’s not that I don’t wish them to be able to better themselves and have a home of their own, it’s just that I don’t see Steph and Kirk much as it is, and it also means that Lexi will not be coming to Grandma’s house any more for Grandma to watch and this makes me so sad. I don’t know what I will do without having her with me three days a week.

She is the sunshine in my day.

Can you see why? She’s Grandmas little Bug!

click for bigger image

The evening is almost quiet just before the sun goes down – there is an audible roar in the background; I’m not sure where it comes from – some place off in the distance – disturbing my quiet momentarily while I try to ascertain what its origin is. I soon give up and it fades further from my mind as I concentrate on the thoughts that have been piling up for almost a year inside my head.

Spring seems to have woken a reserve in me that I haven’t felt in a long time. I’ve been trying to figure out how to put what I am feeling into words; but it fails me. I can only say that I feel like I have been asleep for a very, very long time.

Memories come back to me, things I have forgotten, some that I wanted to forget, mostly those that I didn’t want to forget. Those that try as I might to recall, going as far as leaving myself little reminders of where I put this or that, only to forget what those little reminders were for, or even what I made the reminders for once I found them. Visions of items on a shelf come clearly now and I find that my brain crackles with the excitement of remembering, and trying to share these moments of joy to others is lost on explanation of what I have felt like for so long. Evidently I did a good job covering for myself; no one knew how strongly this sleep has had control of my mind for so long.

I try to figure out why my mind went so deep into hibernation. At first I thought it might be from the medication I had been on, but then I realized I hadn’t been taking anything stronger than Advil; I didn’t like the effects the others had on me, didn’t like depending on a drug to quiet the pain – I wanted the pain gone – permanently.

Then it hits me. It was the pain itself that caused my mind to go so far from me. I was so busy concentrating on how to get through each day with that horrible pain that there wasn’t anything left of me to give. Each day that has passed since the two surgeries has seemed like years long, but each day there has been progress, each day I gained my strength back a little bit more. Sometimes it has been taking two steps forward and 4 steps back. It’s the learning to know your limits and what you can handle, and on those days that I felt better then I felt in a very long, long time – I tended to overdo it and this set me back another 4 steps.

Frustration is my enemy now. I seem to have lost my ability to have patience with my own body. It betrays me so often now that I get frustrated and wonder why I can’t do the things I did years ago. I often wonder now what I will be like when I am in my 50’s, fearing that because of how my body reacts to exertion now I can only imagine how much worse it will be in those few short years. It doesn’t give me much hope for the future; especially the near future – the winter months. They seem to be especially hard on me, but, I take hope that with spring, the promise of warmer days to come, the sunshine and the warmth in the air and pray that my strength will return more and more each day so that when winter returns, I will be strong enough to get through it.

The past month has kept me preparing for a Boutique for the Knot & Bauble Shoppe – my Artisans and I have opened a temporary store in our 3 season’s porch. Last weekend was the first of three weekends – and then it will be time to rush to prepare for our attendance at another local craft fair.  The inventory is our biggest issue – making sure that those who have high selling items have enough products to sell at each event.

It’s our hope that by putting the Shoppe out in the forefront of the public, eventually we will become well known for quality, hand crafted treasures – which by the way has become our new slogan.  Each event I attend as the Shoppe owner, I seem to cultivate one or two new artisans to the Shoppe. I have two waiting to join now, and one more possibility – as this continues to grow; my thoughts turn more and more towards incorporating the business.

Even my own line of jewelry has evolved far from what it began to be.  MKB changed to SaM’s Beads-n-Baubles, and is still evolving off the beaten path of typical “plated” jewelry that most people create and sell into authentic pearls, semi-precious gemstones, 14k gold and Sterling Silver. I have now been dabbling with creating my own style of Sterling Silver pendants, creating them from Sterling Silver clay and firing them in a kiln…there have been successes and failures in this venture, but with each firing of the kiln – I gain more and more skill and find the classes for metalsmithing fascinating as well as challenging.

I still watch my grandbaby Lexi; she is growing up so fast and changing more and more every day. I am fascinated seeing the world through her eyes…watching it change as her perspective of it changes. Her vocabulary is huge now and she has begun to potty train. The goal is to have her completely trained by fall so that she can start preschool. Grandma thinks she is too young for that yet, but then in my eyes, she still has to hold my hand down the few steps that lead to and from our backyard. They will always be my babies.

This leads me to my last thought before I close – I’m considering taking on a few children to sit once I get a little stronger. Lexi still wears me out, so that may be awhile yet, hopefully before the end of summer I can seriously look into this to help supplement our income, and hopefully by then Tom will have been successful at finding a job as well.

I had considered letting Illusive Life go dormant, but I think I will wait on that decision a little bit longer and see if I can rediscover my joy of writing again. Perhaps there is hope yet.

Now, as only my screen on my laptop illuminates my keyboard, I think it is time to hit publish and call this one posted.

I believe in God, the Father Almighty,
the Creator of heaven and earth,
and in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord:

Who was conceived of the Holy Spirit,
born of the Virgin Mary,
suffered under Pontius Pilate,
was crucified, died, and was buried.

He descended into hell.

On the third day He arose again from the dead.

He ascended into heaven and sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty,
He shall come to judge the living and the dead.

I believe in the Holy Spirit,
the holy Catholic Church,
the communion of saints,
the forgiveness of sins,
the resurrection of the body,
and life everlasting.

Amen.

Allelujah! HE HAS RISEN!

…why anything I do can’t be done easily. I’m back in the hospital again. As a matter of fact I am writing this from my hospital bed, hooked up to an IV that is pumping fluids into me at an alarming rate. Okay, well, its alarming to me.

After spending 8 hours in the emergency room, they finally wheeled me up to the 7th floor, where I now lie – awaiting my neurosurgeon to come in the morning and make the decision as to whether they do surgery again.

Yes, again.

I had the surgery on the 12th to remove the cyst, and from what everyone tells me with the astonished look about their face is that it was a big cyst and they cannot believe my pain threshold – it must be high.

So, the surgery went well. So well that I went home the very next day. With a headache, but other than that, feeling quite well. I could walk, there was no pain when I rolled from one side to the next – I felt good. Other than the headache that is.

A day passed, then two, then three and the headache continued to get worse and the pain was so intense that the only place I found relief was lying down – as I am now, flat on my back.

So, we came to the ER on the advice of the on-call physcian. They did CAT scans, found I have a sinus infection, but the doc wasn’t satisfied that this is what was causing my headache (neither was I so that was a good thing), so they did an MRI that took 45 minutes and they came in shortly there after to tell me that I have a small tear in my spinal column that is leaking spinal fluid – hence the headaches.

So, they admitted me and now I lie here wondering why everything I do has to be so darn complicated.

I’ll try to post again and hope to feel good enough soon to start making the rounds again – I know I keep saying that, but really, some day its gonna happen.

Where did I leave off on this little journey of pain of mine? Oh yeah, we had the MRI, we knew there was a cyst on my lumbar spine…that was it.

Yesterday I went to the Neurosurgeon and if she would have had her way, I would have been in the OR yesterday.

No insurance and no one there knew what we knew now, so instead the surgery is scheduled for Tuesday the 12th of next week in the morning – next week – the 12th…doesn’t give one much time to prepare for this.

The MRI shows there is a cyst on my spine alright, actually its in my spine, not on it, its in the spinal canal, totally blocking the spinal canal and pinching off all the nerves to my lower extremities.
The Cyst has to be removed ASAP to prevent from further nerve damage and there is still a HUGE possibility of what damage it has already done in the past 2-3 years being permanent. Yes, you read that right, there is a big possibility that all this time that little cyst has set there, growing and growing to the point of where I am now, when instead I was diagnosed as having RLS and what not. Guess we will see after the surgery. Also – there is the unspoken fear that this could paralyze me for life if I don’t get this done right away, especially since my ass is already numb…in spots. Too bad the part that hurts so damn much I can’t find a comfortable position and stand there hanging on to Tom, bawling, isn’t numb huh?

Yeah, well. I just thought that some of you might want to know.

Kris – sorry I haven’t emailed you back about your comment. I’m sending you a short note since I’ve had very little time or energy to spend on this. Check your email.

Lynn…as always, thanks for the thoughts and well wishes – I know you are always there. One day woman, you and I are gonna connect in person and you won’t be able to shut us up for weeks! Love ya!

Everyone else…thanks for the emails and silently dropping by. I’ll try to keep you updated as I can. I am just positive that the Good Lord has me in His care and this is not the end of me.

I know it has once again been too long since I have written. But I did want to hop on and thank all of you for your emails of kind words and support and to thank the few of you who still stop by to see if I have posted and left a comment.

The past two weeks have been extremely rough with my back. The pain has been so intense I found my only real comfort has been in the sitting position in my recliner. It was after crawling out of bed one morning last week that I it was decided that I have to have my cell phone with me to call my husband Tom before I try to get up.

Last week as I was getting out of bed, the pain was bad, in my head I kept thinking, “this is going to hurt, oh, boy this is going to hurt” because mind you, the pain was already so intense I was sweating. As I stood, I realized I had my slippers on the wrong feet and was in the process of putting them on the right feet, and the next thing I knew Tom was standing behind me asking me if I was okay as I was trying to pull myself up off the night stand that was broken all over the floor. I had passed out, and managed to break my night stand (which turned out to be okay because the new ones that I had ordered arrived that day), knock the little player piano jewel box that was my mother’s off the shelf, and leave the shelf intact, along with the phone and picture of my daughters sitting on the shelf – how I managed to only knock off the jewel case containing the roses from her funeral is beyond me, perhaps she was there helping me down as I fell into unconsciousness.

But I’m tough, I managed to only bruise up my right knee and forearm in the fall.

The rest of that week was spent going to the ER, given only a shot to reduce the pain temporarily, sent to my Doctor the next day who ordered an MRI and gave me STRONG doses of steroids, which are now pointless to take, but since I am half way into them, I need to complete them.

The MRI shows a Synovial Cyst that is compromising the nerves in my spine. The good news is that Synovial cysts are benign, fluid-filled sacs that develop in the facet joints of the lumbar spine as a result of degeneration. But if large enough, the sacs can cause spinal stenosis – which is a narrowing of the spinal canal that places pressure on spinal nerves and causes pain. No, make that PAIN.

From what I have now read on these cysts if they are causing no problems, nothing other than observation is needed, in cases where they are causing mild discomfort; the simplest course is to restrict those activities that are the most uncomfortable. Pain relief medications, injections, and other conservative pain relief options such as physical therapy or chiropractic is said to also be helpful in relieving pain. However, if the patient’s pain is severe, chronic, and interferes with their daily living activities, surgery may be necessary.

I think mine falls into that last category.

I’m not going to jump the gun here and say that is what is going to happen; things are in the works for getting back into my neurosurgeon, who I might add is the most wonderful Doctor in the world, but a person I had truly hoped to never have to see again, at least not on this level.

Things depend on the degeneration issue – how far advanced it is, if there is a high possibility of the cyst returning, which from all I have read, in cases of degeneration of the spine (which we know mine is advanced), the likelihood of the cyst returning is high, and a fusion of the area would be required to prevent that from happening. While I don’t relish the idea of another fusion, I am trying so hard to get my life back from the ruins that the past two accidents caused, so if this is where I have to go to get better – the sooner we do this the better. I’m not getting any younger here.

So, with all that said…How the heck are all of you?

Anyone feel up to doing some data entry and content writing for The Knot & Bauble Shoppe? I could pay you in trade? I really have a ton TON of product that needs to be placed online in the Shoppe, but I can’t seem to get the content writing (which is what I call the data entry part because I type it into a spread sheet to upload it all), done. Think about it. If there is something on the site that you really like and would want to help me out here…I would be eternally grateful and you would get free something or other in the process.

I’m also looking for someone to do content writing for the newsletter and for the store blog – the compensation would need to be worked out in trade for right now as well. In time, these would also generate into paid positions, but for right now I am open to any form of trade, either by hosting your domain for you or marketing your hand crafted items or something in the Shoppe that you would like to have.

If you are interested, please contact me via the contact page at The Knot & Bauble Shoppe.

I hope to have a more personal entry next time…really I do.

I received the following in email and I wanted to share it not only for the message it contains, but also because it amazes me how often I have looked at my own hands in the same way and have often seen my mother’s hands in my own hands and compared our lives, what these hands have seen us through.

I find it amazing that so many women touch on the same emotions at one point in their lives – hopefully your own hands will bring you as far as this Grandma’s hands have and take you to your own God at the end.

Grandma, some ninety plus years, sat feebly on the patio bench. She didn’t move, just sat with her head down staring at her hands. When I sat down beside her she didn’t acknowledge my presence and the longer I sat I wondered if she was OK.

Finally, not really wanting to disturb her but wanting to check on her at the same time, I asked her if she was OK. She raised her head and looked at me and smiled. “Yes, I’m fine, thank you for asking,” she said in a clear strong voice.

“I didn’t mean to disturb you, grandma, but you were just sitting here staring at your hands and I wanted to make sure you were OK,” I explained to her.

“Have you ever looked at your hands,” she asked. “I mean really looked at your hands?” I slowly opened my hands and stared down at them. I turned them over, palms up and then palms down. No, I guess I had never really looked at my hands as I tried to figure out the point she was making.

Grandma smiled and related this story:

“Stop and think for a moment about the hands you have, how they have served you well throughout your years. These hands though wrinkled shriveled and weak have been the tools I have used all my life to reach out and grab and embrace life. “They braced and caught my fall when as a toddler I crashed upon the floor.

They put food in my mouth and clothes on my back. As a child, my mother taught me to fold them in prayer. They tied my shoes and pulled on my boots. They held my husband and wiped my tears when he went off to war.

“They have been dirty, scraped and raw, swollen and bent. They were uneasy and clumsy when I tried to hold my newborn son. Decorated with my wedding band they showed the world that I was married and loved someone special. They wrote my letters to him and trembled and shook when I buried my parents and spouse.

“They have held my children and grandchildren, consoled neighbors, and shook in fists of anger when I didn’t understand.

They have covered my face, combed my hair, and washed and cleansed the rest of my body. They have been sticky and wet, bent and broken, dried and raw. And to this day when not much of anything else of me works real well these hands hold me up, lay me down, and again continue to fold in prayer.

“These hands are the mark of where I’ve been and the ruggedness of life… But more importantly it will be these hands that God will reach out and take when he leads me home. And with my hands He will lift me to His side and there I will use these hands to touch the face of Christ.”

I will never look at my hands the same again. But I remember God reached out and took my grandma’s hands and led her home. When my hands are hurt or sore or when I stroke the face of my children and husband I think of grandma. I know she has been stroked and caressed and held by the hands of God.

I, too, want to touch the face of God and feel His hands upon my face. – Author Unknown