December's Illusion

My head is clogged again. There are a million and one thoughts running through it – all bottled up inside.  I’m having a hard time trying to relax, and know that if I could do this, the words would come.  I just feel like I have to constantly be doing something – always, something, anything to change the situation I am facing at the moment – unfortunately my “patches” only fix the issue for a little while.

I’ve been thinking about going back to counselling, actually trying it again. I’ve asked a friend of mine to ask her therapist for a recommendation, hopefully this time I will find a good one who can actually help me work through the issues that I live with every day.

Instead of trying to force words that don’t want to be written, I think I will just go put on my suit and go lie down by the pool and read awhile – maybe some good ol vitamin D will help.

I woke this morning at 2 am to a serious headache that refused to go away and forced me out of bed to swallow some advil and heat up a moist pack in the microwave and crawl onto the couch to drift back to sleep.

5:30 am came too early.

I was at work by 6:38 and settled in to what almost turned into a 12 hour day at work. I left work by 6:15 tonight and was home just shortly before 7:00.

The good thing is I feel like I got a lot done, but I have so much catching up to do to recover the loss of doing another job for one day last week.  My desk is a mess of piles of work to do, statements to validate, forms to submit, reports to cmplete, Affidavits for Expenditures to route…a mass balance review…and to top it off I have 4 – 1 hour trainings to give next week on the new form I created in Excel so that company wide understands changes and the enhancements that were made to the form all to help the end user to give more accurate information. One of my co-workers asked our supervisor if he was going to sell the form when it was done and get rich off from it.

Tick-tock goes the clock.

Words, words, words, WORDS, wOrDs, WoRdS, Words, words, wordS, Words, wOrds, woRds, worDs, Words, Words, words, words, WORDS, wOrDs, WoRdS, Words, words, wordS, Words, wOrds, woRds, worDs, Words,Words, words, words, WORDS, wOrDs, WoRdS, Words, words, wordS, Words, wOrds, woRds, worDs, Words!

Thoughts, tHoughts, thOughts, thouGhts, thougHts, thoughTs, thoughtS, THOUGHTS, ThOuGhts, tHoUgHtS, thoughts, thoughts,Thoughts! Thoughts, tHoughts, thOughts, thouGhts, thougHts, thoughTs, thoughtS, THOUGHTS, ThOuGhts, tHoUgHtS, thoughts, thoughts,Thoughts!

No matter how I write them, they always come up empty!

Still around – just trying to figure out a schedule that works for me.
Still on Chantix and not smoking, although I had a relaps when I ran out of the chantix but got back on them right away.
Hope to eventually get back into writing. Its been on my mind alot and while my mind is full of words, my head can’t find the words to articulate them.

I seem to have lost my words, if found, would someone kindly notify me at this blog.

I sure miss the ability to write.

The past few months have worked their way through my life as if they were someone elses that I sat by and watched. It isn’t that I haven’t been living them, but more so, actively surviving them. Surviving and living are often two seperate ways of life.

What amazes me most is life goes on no matter whether you are actively persuing it or trying to survive it. I am trying to define my priorities and shed the things in life that are not important and surround myself with the things that are most important to me. As I have aged – what used to be important when I was younger no longer seems as important.

Age is a funny thing too – I can no longer stand clutter, so I have been clearing my life with as much of that clutter as I can, enjoying the open space more. Maybe this is a way of whittling down ones own stuff so that when we die, our kids don’t have to do it for us. I laugh here, because there is one area of my life that I can’t seem to shed – my yarn. If my finances were more stable I would probably have more of it, so I guess blessings come in every form.

What little fall sunny days we have are numbered, I must say I am not really looking forward to winter – perhaps that is because we didn’t have much of a summer. Most of the trees are still full of green leaves and it will be interesting to see what they do now that it had snowed, and froze and now warmed up again. I expect them to just drop with no beautiful colors this year. Life is strange.

I wish I had time to post – a billion and one words stored up inside but I am off to work. Yes, I have a new job now and I will have to write about that hopefully some time in the near future.

Hi-ho!
Off to work I go!
tweet-tweet-tweet-toot tweet-tweet-tweet-toot Tweet-tweet-toot-toot.
(okay, so you gotta think about snow white and the seven dwarfs to get that tune)

Hmph! I spent the last half hour writing an entry, and when I pushed the publish button my damn wireless connection switched connections on me and I lost my post. For some reason the save as draft function that occurs automatically didn’t even take effect.

Grr!

Oh well, I guess it just means it was meant to not be posted. I was just complaining about being sick again anyway.

I was going to try to do my writing on the balcony, but its dark gray skies and very cool winds out there this morning, so instead while Tom catches some sleep on the couch, I figured the quietest thing that I could do would be to sit in here and try to come up with a meaningful entry.

Once again there are so many thoughts running through my head that rather than giving me something to write about; its distracting. Those sorts of thoughts of all the things that I want to do, need to do, long to do and have to do and it makes it hard for me to sit still.

We are breathing sighs of relief and giving our thanks to God that He has answered our prayers and Brad is doing well. They released him from the hospital on the 5th after several tests and procedures – they inserted a scope & dye up to his heart through his groin and was pleasantly surprised to find that his heart is extremely healthy & strong and that there was NO evidence of the heart attack that they had told him he had. The cardiac surgeon was surprised because he was prepared to find a bad artery and insert a stint and be done with it. The one thing that they did discover is a slow valve – not significantly slow, but noticeably so that it may have been causing the problem. They were going under the assumption that the illness he suffered for three days prior to the onslaught of chest pains is probably what caused the valve to malfunction. They are placing him on heart medication for a year (plavix I think they said), and he must return every 3 months for continued tests and what not to make sure that all is working like it should. So this is all good news.

Tom and I took our granddaughter Lexi to the doctor yesterday, both Mommy and Daddy had to work so we gladly took her. Its her ears again. Poor thing, she has had such a go with ear infections in her 3 years, and now the right ear drum is bulging and infected – this all so soon after the last issue with a ruptured ear drum – Mommy is taking her to her specialist today – they may need to do surgery and put tubes back in her ears again. The other ear was so filled with wax that they couldn’t see the ear drum – both Mommy and Daddy felt like they did something wrong and didn’t clean her ears well enough. I couldn’t stress enough how untrue that is – some people, some kids just have an excess of wax buildup and you can’t clean it out with a q-tip for goodness sake or you hurt the ear. Naturally they blame themselves – but being one of those people with excess wax, I know that no matter how much you clean your ears, unless that wax falls down, or you flush it, there’s nothing you can do about it. Flushing her little ears after her drum has been previously ruptured is not something a parent should do – that is up to her doctor.

My oldest daughter Melissa and other two adorable grand babies will be here for a long visit next month. I cannot wait to have them here. Melissa wants to place her oldest and Lexi in swimming lessons while she is here – I think that is a wonderful idea – get them while they are young. Then you don’t have to worry as much about them falling into a pool, river or lake and drowning.

I need to hit the job boards and get back to searching for work. Part of me, the mental part is ready to go back to work – its my body that betrays me and I worry about how well I will do and how long I will last out.

How good is your vocabulary? Mine obviously sucks.

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