December's Illusion

Generally, I do a year in review for my last post of the year, this year I think that I would like to place a twist on that review and write about the greatest lesson I have learned from the events that have taken place in my life.

In the past weeks, a pattern has formed in my mind and what has taken shape is the truth about who I am. Sometimes a glimpse within is like an epiphany, yet sometimes that look into the mirror of the soul tells me more about who I have become and the image that stares back at me leaves me realizing the changes that need to be made to make my life complete.

Looking back, I should see a year filled full of wonderful times filled with my family and those I love most, but all I see is a blank wall in my mind that appears to have images painted on them, yet they are faded, faded from a mind that on first glimpse has lost its memory, but in reality only retained a miniscule of events because fear replaced all the happiness.

While it is true there are brighter images on this wall, memories that stand out vivid and clear enough for me to recall; the red roses from Tom for our anniversary, the rose for valentines day, the week of vacation spent with my family, moving my daughter to Minnesota, the birth of my grandchild, Christmas spent surrounded by love. The thing that strikes me the most is that I appear to be a by-stander to it all, like I was just there on the outside of this circle of love watching it all happen instead of being right there in the midst of it all.

I wonder how I got to the place that I am in, being on the outside looking in, and I know that the fault lies only with me.

I know that my family is the most important thing to me in my life; my family comes first…always. Like my Mom, I have always been happiest with my family around me and it is there that I truly shine, but that sparkle has for some reason faded and I find myself desperately needing to get it back.

I have allowed the happiness of the moment to be replaced by the fear that those moments fade all too soon and knowing that in a few days those moments of time spent with family will find me alone miles away from those who mean the most to me. I have allowed the joy and happiness that I feel of having one daughter close to me be replaced by the sadness I feel from the other that is yet so far away. I have not allowed the comfort of the tender moments spent in Tom’s arms because I know that at any moment he will be called away and I don’t want to feel the emptiness when he is gone. I have not allowed myself to share special moments with my son while he is here, because I get too attached to him and the house feels empty when he is has left for his other home.

So what is the lesson that I have learned in 2004?

I have learned that life was meant to be lived, not watched. I have learned that I need to grab hold of life and take from it all that I can because it really does go on without you and if you don’t enjoy it while you have it, you leave this life with even less than you came into it.

I have learned that I need to enjoy each and every moment when it is presented to me, no matter that it may be gone tomorrow. I know now that “tomorrow” I can draw strength from those yesterdays. With those yesterday’s I can bring forth those feelings of being surrounded by those that I love and gain comfort from the fact that my family loves me.

I have learned that no matter how many dark days you have in your life, there is always a brighter day ahead on the horizon. It doesn’t matter how many smiles I miss, there will be many more that I will see.

I have also learned that I need to let go of the fact that I cannot change the past, but I can shape my future. I don’t want my future filled full of nothingness and faded walls of memories, so I need to make the most out of each new day that I awake to.

I have learned that I have to let go of the fact that I cannot run my children’s lives and although it is my greatest wish to have them all living close to me, it is their lives to live and I need to make the most of the time I have with them while they are near. I have also learned that even having them near – I still cannot run their lives and sometimes I just have to be silent and let them make their own way and their own mistakes.

While the lesson I have learned is complicated, there is a quote that I read somewhere, and this quote sums up pretty well my lesson for 2004, “I don’t believe that life is supposed to make you feel good, or to make you feel miserable either. Life is just supposed to make you feel.” ~Gloria Naylor

Ugh! I just caught the weather report on my little “Weather Bug.” He was sitting there on my task bar, blinking and chirping away, just begging someone to come along, open him up and read the nasty details of his latest weather alert.

I guess I am glad for it, but still I hate the thought. Tonight around midnight, until around noon tomorrow we are supposed to get more of that awful freezing rain…making my morning 18-mile commute to work, quite literally hair raising. By the time I get there, someone will have to pry my hands off the steering wheel because I will have gripped it so tight that they cramped up there that way.

We had this same stuff last week and it took me almost 2 hours to make that drive. I kid you not, I was 45 minutes late for work, and I hate being late for work. I guess if I leave for work around 5:30, I should make it there by 7:30. That thought really troubles me though – it would mean getting up at 3:30.

Yes, it REALLY does take me that long to get ready for work in the morning.

Work went extremely fast today. I have a project that I am working on that has really had me quite absorbed and focused so I didn’t notice the time slipping by. The worst thing is, I didn’t take time for lunch today, decided to eat at my desk and was so preoccupied that my soup got cold before I had the chance to finish it…I ate it anyway.

Got some good news at work for once…with the President/CEO resigning, she is going to request to the Board of Directors that my boss and I have complete control over the website from now on. My boss informed me today that this means the design I worked on will probably go up and we WILL be adding video clips and flash presentations to bring us finally into the future! I was floored!

As my day went fast, so is my time here and I hear the timer telling me my pork chops are just about done, so unless I want to hear the family complain about a burnt dinner…I best slip on back up to the flock.

I will try my year-end tribute tomorrow if I don’t slide off into a ditch on my way to or from work.

I am feeling a bit claustrophobic of late. Everywhere I turn, there is someone there, either sitting beside me, coming up behind me, or looking over my shoulder talking in my ear incessantly.

If I say I need a bit of time alone…I offend someone. If I don’t say anything, they ask what is wrong. If I say nothing, I offend someone. How do you tell someone that you need some space to “not think” so you can clear your head? I have forgotten (and I don’t say this offensively), how much my youngest daughter can rattle on and on about the most inconsequential events in her day…the girl could write a whole book of little bits and pieces of stories and/or antidotes from her day. But she isn’t the only one who can rattle.

I have gotten to the point in my life that I look forward to at least an hours worth of peace and quiet after being in a noisy work area all day. I thrive on that. I need that time…and I’m not getting it, and it is starting to show in my attitude, and in my shoulders, neck and jaw.

It has gotten past the point of screaming for Calgon to take me away, because quite frankly I don’t think that even Calgon can handle the amount of tension that is stored in this body of mine.

I get this mental image of me, squished in a box that is ten sizes too small, finding it hard to breathe, wanting to bust out the sides of the box and understanding where the expression of “packed in like a can of sardines” came from.

I hate feeling this way too. It makes me feel guilty because I just want a little bit of alone time to let go of my thoughts and breathe when my family wants nothing more then to be in my company. They don’t seem to require alone time…am I the only one who needs this? Maybe I am the one who is off-tilt.

Either way, it doesn’t look like I am going to get any tonight either. Maybe I can find some peace and quiet Friday morning before everyone gets up. I have the day off.

I received a very special Christmas present from a very dear friend of mine from many, many miles away.

Normally I don’t like having my picture taken because I think that I am THE WORLD’S MOST unphotogenic person in the world…but I had to have this one taken because I wanted Lynn to know just how much I LOVE her gift and how well it fits.

The picture below (and I won’t tell you what Tom said to me to get me to smile like that), is of me in my new handmade sweater from Lynn.

Lynn, I cannot find the words to describe just how much I love this sweater. The detail in it is awesome, the color is amazing and the buttons from your Nan’s personal collection top it off. I will cherish this gift always and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I hope that all of you, where ever you are and how ever you chose to celebrate it, had the most wonderful and meaningfull holiday.

The morning before Christmas morning dawns bright and early as my “to-do” list seems to be longer than my arm and there are only a few hours to complete everything that is on it.

Tom got in at 3:00 am this morning and is sleeping soundly upstairs; the good thing is that “maybe” he will get to celebrate some of Christmas Eve with us before being called out again. The kids are up in preparation for the busy day that they have planned, and I’m on my first cup of coffee, barely awake, with one eye open wondering how in the world I am going to get everything done and not wake up Tom.

Years past have found me up to my elbows in sugar, butter and eggs, the kitchen dusted in flour as I slaved away creating Christmas confections for the family to devour…filling the house with the wonderful sweet smells of happiness and the feeling of home.

Christmas has always been my favorite holiday of the year, I have always enjoyed the preparation for it, the anticipation of seeing how my family reacts with joy to the well thought out presents I have purchased for them. Sneaking this package or that bag full of unwrapped gifts into the house right under their noses and then waiting for just the right moment to wrap them and secretly place them under the tree.

But this year it has all felt like such a “chore” and I hate that. Gone are the times of filling the house with the scent of baking cookies, the camaraderie of sharing special moments with young ones as we ate more dough then we baked and laughed until we cried at something silly someone did or said.

The excitement over going out to find that certain someone just the right gift has been replaced with buying presents on the internet. Gone is the holiday music filling the shopping malls, the bright colors of reds, greens, silver and gold splashed about everywhere adding to the festivity has all faded into the background of your internet browser with a need to hurry through it all so that it is done well before Christmas eve.

Instead of the anticipation I used to feel, the ready smile that ghosted my lips on a moments notice, I feel a sense of having to pretend that I am enjoying the moment. The joy that was felt within and vibrated out to eagerly share the holiday spirit with others has diminished and I get a sense of wanting to regain that sense of pleasure yet at the same time not wanting to deal with it all.

I miss all the warmth, the excitement and the joy of it all.

I sigh heavily as I look at the clock and realize that time is passing and pondering this situation I am in is not conducive to crossing anything off my to-do list, it is only making it longer.

Looking at this tree, you can tell I have done a great job of pretending.

Up late doing last minute present wrapping, adding one more nail to my coffin before I go off to bed. There is one thought and one thought only on my mind right now…

It’s colder then a Well diggers arse here in Minnesota tonight!

Less than one week from Christmas and I still have some shopping to do and believe it or not I still DO NOT have all my Christmas cards sent! I don’t know what is wrong with me this year. I can’t find my holiday spirit! Someone must have taken it…I’m sure of it.

Shortly after Thanksgiving I was sure that I unpacked it when I unpacked all the Christmas holiday decorations. I know I saw it in one of those boxes, and I distinctly recall taking it out to put on when all the decorations were up.

I’ve looked high and low. I looked in all the drawers in the kitchen, I looked in all the drawers in the bedroom, heck…I even looked in the bathroom. It’s NO WHERE to be found.

Then, a light bulb came on…maybe it was accidentally placed back in one of those plastic tubs I store all my decorations in. After all, the box I keep it in doesn’t weigh that much, maybe someone thought that the box was empty. So I ran back down stairs and searched through all of those boxes…turned everything upside down and found absolutely nothing.

This has left me scratching my head. I asked Tom if he saw it, and he informed me that he can’t find his either. I think the kids took it…honest I do, but they won’t ‘fess up to it. It seems to me that they have more than their share, but darned if they will spare any for us.

Maybe it flew out the window and froze on the ground somewhere with these below zero temperatures and no snow; with all that brown out there it would be like finding a needle in haystack. But if there were snow…it would shine through brightly I am positive of that.

Of course, maybe the silence in the house has something to do with it too…if I could just dig out those holiday CD’s, maybe a little music would make it float up in the air from whatever corner it is hiding in and then I could quick grab it and put it on before it floated away again.

The Christmas specials that used to play on TV seem to have disappeared too – now they are all out on DVD and you can watch it any ol’ time you want so what is the use of having specials on TV? Used to be you would all stop what you were doing just so you could go watch shows like “A Charlie Brown Christmas”, or “Rudolph” or “A Christmas Story”, or “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” (and so on and so on), and the whole famdamily would be in the living room scrunched together on the couch fighting for the best spot to watch these much loved shows.

I dunno…maybe I’ll find it before Saturday morning, I would like to think I will, but the way my luck has been going this year, I probably won’t find it until I start putting things away and the season is over.

If any of you see it, will you let me know where it is? And just in case, if you have a little extra to spare…could you send some my way? Please? It just doesn’t seem like Christmas without it.

I’m sitting in the living room in front of a now roaring fire that was nothing but embers from last nights fire 45 minutes ago. I am all cozy and warm, the house is peacefully quiet and I look forward to the time to share alone with my thoughts.

When I awoke this morning, I hadn’t intended to stay up. I came out to the living room to have a smoke before the fireplace in hopes that the remnants of the bad dream would drift up the chimney on the trails of the smoke from my cigarette. Upon seeing that there were enough embers left to get another fire going, I decided to make my way down to the basement, out the door located in my office and out to the pad to grab an armful of small pieces of wood to get the fire going.

As I sat here with the fire roaring to life before me, I realized that I was wide-awake and there was little sense in going back to bed. Besides a cup of coffee really sounded good and I told myself that I would be insane to pass up some quality peacefulness.

One thing led to another and I wound up going outside with coat, gloves and slippers on to fill the wheelbarrow full of wood, a pot of coffee made, more wood in the fireplace, downstairs to undock my laptop and 45 minutes later here I am.

The lights from the tree and from the fire illuminate my keyboard affording me ample light to write. My mind is straying further and further from the scenes that played out in my dreams an hour ago.

The dream itself is of little consequence to me – I realize that it was probably pulled from my subconscious from watching too many “Cold Case Files” on A&E last evening; although no normal woman enjoys witnessing her one and only be beaten to death, dream or no. I love watching those shows, but this dream serves to remind me that remnants from my past lurk within and that violence no matter what form it is in still frightens me on a subconscious level.

It is Happy Birthday to me day. Being 43 should mean something, but it doesn’t, although I am thankful to be another year older. This has led me to think about what lessons I have learned in my 43 years of life…

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It has been quite some time since I was able to have the time to sit down, put two thoughts together on a page and have them resemble some form of sense. This may not be one of those times either – but I’ll try.

Since returning from my trip to Wyoming to visit my daughter Melissa and be with her during the birth of her daughter Kailie, my life has felt like it has been constantly on the go and all I want to do is just stop and rest for a while. Today won’t be an exception to that rule, but hopefully I can squeeze in a few thoughts before the whirlwind that has become my life notices I have a few moments to spare and sweeps me back up in it again. I hear movement upstairs, so I am not holding my breath.

I have heard it said that the love you feel for a grandchild is on a different level, one that you have never before experienced in your life and I now believe that this is true. There was something so satisfying and comforting in holding that little bundle of love in my arms. Something reached in to the depths of my heart, grabbed hold of me, and said, “This is the reason for it all.” It was almost as if my life had come full circle and I reached the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

I will admit to a few fleetingly short moments of having that same old buried urge to have another child of my own. Then I remembered that I would be turning 43 this month and that is not the age that I want to be raising a child. So, I tucked that thought neatly back where it had been buried for the past 3 years. I just wish that Tom and I had discussed it more back when we were 36; I would have liked to share this with him, but its something that we both know is now never possible.

Leaving Melissa has always been hard, but leaving Melissa and Kailie was even harder. I think that the hardest part has been worry over Melissa because she is so afraid that she won’t be a good mommy to Kailie and while I know that is not true, while I know that she is already the best mommy Kailie could ever have, I would have liked to have spent more time convincing Melissa of this.

But it was also hard leaving Kailie and knowing that I wouldn’t get to see her for 8 months and knowing how fast children grow I know that there is so much of her life that I am going to miss, and as the song goes; “I don’t want to miss a thing.” I had always hoped to be a big part of my grandchildren’s lives. The distance between us is going to cause a little trouble in achieving that wish. It’s like that commercial where the woman is peering in the window of a jewelry store and her husband tells her to “step away from the glass.”

Somehow, we will work around that. We already have plans to fly Melissa and Kailie here in 2-4 months, and then I will see them again at the end of July and hopefully again at Christmas. This is how it will go for a few years until hopefully they can move back to Nebraska or better yet, to Minnesota.

Off in a different vein, tomorrow is my birthday and I find that as I get older, the less excited I am by turning older and the more it seems just like any other day. This morning I have realized that to me, my birthday has become more of something for my family to celebrate then it has for me. While I think that yes, I would be hurt if they didn’t remember my birthday, but I really wish they wouldn’t make such an ordeal out of it and bicker back and forth about when we need to celebrate it because so and so has to work and will be gone.

You know what I would like to do for my birthday, if someone were to ask. A day free of having to do any cooking and cleaning, breakfast, lunch and dinner would be made for me, the dishes and kitchen would be cleaned up to my standards, the housework would be done, the laundry would be done, and all I had to do was what ever my heart wanted. Now that would be how I would like to spend my birthday. It ain’t gonna happen… so just step away from the glass.

Loads to do today. Last minute shopping, mailing off Christmas packages that should have been mailed a week ago, I have to go renew my drivers license before it expires tomorrow, and then come home and clean house again. It never ends.

But maybe, just maybe tonight I can start a fire in the fireplace, veg out on the couch in front of the TV and do nothing.

I know, I know… “Step away from the Glass.”

I have Kailie’s picture page started.

If you would like to take a look, please click here. I’ll tweak it more later, but for right now, at least you can share in some of the pictures we are enjoying.

If you click on the thumbnails you will be brought to a larger picture – hit your browsers “Back” button to return to the main page.