December's Illusion

I took my first Chantix this morning. I’m a bit nervous about using this, but hopefully it will do what it is prescribed to do without all the problems it has been known to cause in some people.

My biggest fear with this drug is my already established depression issue. I don’t need it to get any worse than it already is. The Hubs will be watching me closely for any signs of added issues. It can also make you sleepy – I don’t need that either.

I take one pill .05 mg. once a day for 4 days, then go to one pill twice a day for 3 days before I move up to the next dose level of 1mg pill twice a day. After 7 days, I am supposed to be able to just quit smoking, the medication builds up in your system to target the nicotine receptors and blocks nicotine from being able to attach to them – your satisfaction from smoking is less and you have the urge to smoke less. I’m keeping my fingers crossed, because otherwise its back to the patch, or else live a very unhealthy life until I get emphysemia or worse, lung cancer.

I chose to get healthy.

I seem to have lost my words, if found, would someone kindly notify me at this blog.

I sure miss the ability to write.

The past few months have worked their way through my life as if they were someone elses that I sat by and watched. It isn’t that I haven’t been living them, but more so, actively surviving them. Surviving and living are often two seperate ways of life.

What amazes me most is life goes on no matter whether you are actively persuing it or trying to survive it. I am trying to define my priorities and shed the things in life that are not important and surround myself with the things that are most important to me. As I have aged – what used to be important when I was younger no longer seems as important.

Age is a funny thing too – I can no longer stand clutter, so I have been clearing my life with as much of that clutter as I can, enjoying the open space more. Maybe this is a way of whittling down ones own stuff so that when we die, our kids don’t have to do it for us. I laugh here, because there is one area of my life that I can’t seem to shed – my yarn. If my finances were more stable I would probably have more of it, so I guess blessings come in every form.

What little fall sunny days we have are numbered, I must say I am not really looking forward to winter – perhaps that is because we didn’t have much of a summer. Most of the trees are still full of green leaves and it will be interesting to see what they do now that it had snowed, and froze and now warmed up again. I expect them to just drop with no beautiful colors this year. Life is strange.

Steph’s baby that she is currently brewing will be a boy!! I swear that girl is so in-tune with her body it’s scary!

I wish I had time to post – a billion and one words stored up inside but I am off to work. Yes, I have a new job now and I will have to write about that hopefully some time in the near future.

Hi-ho!
Off to work I go!
tweet-tweet-tweet-toot tweet-tweet-tweet-toot Tweet-tweet-toot-toot.
(okay, so you gotta think about snow white and the seven dwarfs to get that tune)

and that’s about all I have to say. Not worth writing anyway.

I always hate goodbye, especially to my daughters and granddaughters. My heart feels so empty tonight, it echos like the walls of my apartment do in the quiet absence of those three very important people in my life.

For the past, mmmm…3 weeks I have had the pleasure of having my oldest daughter and her two daughters here with us from Casper, Wyoming. It has been stressful at times, but the joy of getting to see, touch, hug, laugh and love those three girls in my life on a daily basis has completely over ridden the stress.

This picture is of my two oldest granddaughters, they were sitting on the floor discussing what they planned to do and see that day at the Como Park Zoo & Conservatory. Kailie is on the left, she is Melissa’s oldest daughter (the one who lives in Wyoming) and Lexi is on the right and she is my youngest daughter Stephanie’s oldest.

Kailie & Lexi

It’s too bad I can’t seem to get all three girls to sit still long enough to get their picture together. The one below is my number 3 granddaughter Emily. Emily is such a lovable little baby and is for the most part the quietest child I have seen. She gets a little loud when her sister or cousin don’t let her have what she wants or tries to pick her up when she is hell bent on heading to a certain destination that they don’t think she ought to be at…but other wise such a beautiful, sweet baby inside and out. Of course, all my granddaughters are and I am NOT in the least bit prejudiced.

Emily

Stephanie is pregnant with her 2nd child, she swears up and down that she is going to break the chain we have going on here in our family and that this one is a boy. She hasn’t had that ultra-sound thingy where they can see what the baby is, but, while I hope for them if this is what they want that they get a boy (Daddy said he doesn’t care one way or another), secretly I am a bit fearful of her having a boy because I have been surrounded by girls pretty much my whole adult life and I don’t know if I can do boys or not. I’m sure once I hold the little one in my arms, my great-big Grandma heart will kick in and it won’t matter one little bit, my heart will be lost just like it has been on the other three. The baby is due at the end of the year, I have plenty of time to adjust.

Last month I wrote about No Help For Maggie and our heart wrenching search to find some one to help us give her the medical care that she so desperately deserves. I had been searching literally for almost a year for help with the funding for her surgery and it was coming down to us having to make a decision that we hated to make but knew in our hearts was the best alternative for her since we couldn’t bare to see her suffer.

We had finally agreed to have her put down 3 weeks ago and I was in our complex management office and happened to mention to them our decision. I was given a name of another place to seek help from and because my love for Maggie is so great I figured that it couldn’t hurt to try one more place.

That one more place is Maggie’s saving grace. The Top Dog Foundation has a program called the Bentley Grant Program and we were just told that they will fund Maggie’s surgery to remove the multiple tumors on her.

When I received the information on the phone I was literally jumping up and down with joy. Maggie is such a special dog and means all the world to me – I am so happy that we can finally get her the help that she needs – she is scheduled for surgery on the 27th of this month.

If any of you that might read this have charities that you donate to or are looking for a good place to donate funds to – Top Dog Foundation is definitely a great cause. You can read about their organization on their website and see for yourself. I know that when my financial situation turns around I am going to give back all that I can to this worthy cause.

Today’s Page a Day Calendar Stephanie Pearl-McPhee wrote a little blurb that had me laughing, but at the same time thinking almost with a stunned clarity at the fact that while I am a relatively new knitter with only 4 years under my belt, I make some of the same mistakes that experienced, seasoned knitters make, and that make me feel sort of good about myself.

Ever knit (lace) and have a huge problem with a row and have to do it over and over and over again? The first time you’ve got stitches left over. The next time you run out of stitches before you run out of pattern. The time after that you have too many yarn overs, and the time after that you have all the decreases all wrong and the whole thing is a mess. Then, finally, after ever so carefully working your way across the row with meticulous attention, diligently reciting the pattern to yourself as you go, “Knit four, knit two together, yarn over, knit two together, yarn over. Knit four…,” You get to the end and it’s perfect. And you sit there, just freakin’ thrilled with yourself and feeling like a genius, and then it hits you: You are proud of yourself for counting to four successfully.

Yep, and someday I may learn to count to five successfully.