December's Illusion

For a few years, I have been unable to communicate. All the emotions have been trapped inside, at first packed like sardines, then the words kept piling up, laying one on top of another until soon all the air pockets were crushed and the light from even the smallest of space was blocked out and I find myself enveloped in darkness. Again.

I can still breathe, but shallowly. Most of the time I try not to focus on my breathing because when I do it feels almost as if I can’t get enough air. my chest grows tight and I feel uncomfortable, like I can’t inhale enough oxygen, and the harder I try, the less I can breathe, until finally; a deep breath gets in and I can relax for a while. Occasionally my breathing stops and the struggle will start all over again. I wonder in my head if these are anxiety, stress related incidents.

I’m so tired of the struggle.

I drag myself up in the morning, wishing hope against hope that I could just go back to bed, for just a little while longer. I try, I lie back down, knowing the alarm has been shut off my mind screams at me until I get up for fear I will fall back asleep.

I drag myself around all day, willing my mind to stay focused on my work. Begging my mind to stay alert and clear so that no one will guess just how bad this depression really is. I can’t afford to not work. I can’t afford to lose my job.

I try to think of things that I would like to do when I get home, things I would like to accomplish, but it all fails me when I walk in the door to my apartment, the cloak of darkness returns and I am weighted down with the heftiness of its emotion. My breaths coming in shallow gasps, I flop down in the recliner, where I am almost instantly drained of all energy and I beg for forgiveness and ask if he can get dinner one more time, if he could take Maggie out, just tonight. I’ll do it tomorrow, I promise!

The words got so overpowering in my head that I was so tense and taught, my jaws would not relax and the noise in my head was so extreme that I felt like screaming “QUIET!”, inside my head I think I did say it.

I am so tired of having to always be the strong one. I am so tired of being the one to keep it together. I am tired of doing all the work and finding no enjoyment for all my work because I am too busy worrying over the next battle that is looming on the horizon. There is one battle after another. I come out victorious on one, just in time to battle the next incident.

The noise in my head is quieter now, so quiet I can hear the bathtub faucet dripping from the bedroom. I’ll have to go fix that before that is all I hear, drip-drip…drip-drip…drip-drip-drip. The bedroom window is open a crack and even though there is snow on the ground and the temperature is still freezing, the cool, crisp air is refreshing to the stale, hot odors of the entire apartment complex. Someone had bar-b-que for dinner, someone else had onions with their dinner, and someone else had pizza. (I saw the delivery guy pull up).

I’m exhausted once again, but it is a good kind of tired. The kind of tired that permeates your whole body, oozing out of your pores, the kind of tired that lets you know that you have truly accomplished something for once.

Many have asked what has been transpiring in this “illusive life” of mine, so I thought I may as well respond here as any where else. This isn’t a pity-me post, its just an explanation of where I am at in my life right now.

Life has been a huge challenge for me lately especially now that winter is here and I struggle hourly with the added factor of Seasonal Affective Disorder colliding with my already high depression level.

My Serotonin & Melatonin levels have always been low, which causes me to sleep more than I should (hence the need for anti-depressants for the past twenty years), and now with Winter snuggling in around us, its plummeted even lower. So I fight this issue daily. The crazy thing is, I never experienced this until I moved here to Minnesota, so I wasn’t surprised to learn that people in Northern locations (higher lattitudes) experience it more as they are further from the equator. There’s a bit of trivia for ya.

Financial worries add to the mix and my stress level is really through the roof. It got so bad that I finally caved in and went to ask the state for help for the first time in my life since 1987.  I had to really humble myself to do that too. I gathered up all the documentation that they required, (seemingly to include the type of toilet paper that you use to wipe your ass with too) took it all down town St. Paul, paid $4.00 to park and got denied for any and all help that they could offer.

Why? Now that’s a good question.

It seem’s that we make too much money for medical help, too much money for food stamps, and too much money for emergency cash help. Together Tom and I make around $1500 a month right now at best. The only thing that we did not make enough money for was for rent help, and they figured that helping us out with rent would be a lost cause since our rent is so damn high, they suggested we move to a less expensive rental. I didn’t ask if they would pay our lease off so that we could move. I figured at this point it was a moot point.

I do have some self-respect left though, I haven’t made posts asking for people to send what they can to my paypal account…you know the “help me please, please donate to susana@mor10sen.com at PayPal.com” It’s the feed the starving, house the poor issue, you know. Many of us are in the same boat, I figure you can jump in with me, or I can jump in with you and we can all grab an oar.

Instead I have been liquidating all my assets, selling crap I have too much of, excess computers (really, how many computers does one person need after all?) Marking down my prices on all my jewelry over at the Knot & Bauble Shoppe and at the craft fairs I attend just to make a buck here and there, so far it has kept us afloat, or at least kept our noses above water. I figure if we can get by for just a couple more months, things will start to pick up and we will be fine again.

But hey! I still have my health, such as it is. It could always be worse, I really do believe that. The pain in my body is bad most days, but I can still get by, my bladder and bowel troubles stemming from the damage that the cyst in my spine caused still prevents me from going out and finding gainful employment, but I still pray that this will eventually take care of itself, some way or another.

I am fortunate that I still have my family and a few good friends who love me, and my Grandchildren continue to be the lights that lead the way towards the light of happiness – its something about seeing the world through thier eyes.

I am also fortunte to have my strong faith and belief in God and I hold on to that dearly. I know there are times when I have to find my inner strength to pull myself up, but I also know that He knows when I just can’t do it anymore and He is right there to lift me up through the muck and the mire – helping me land on my feet again.

I think that through every rough time in our lives, that if we look close enough, we will find many blessings in the disguise of a curse. Through the past 12 months, I have rekindled my relationship with God, I have grown continually stronger in my faith and am quite proud to state that I am a “Christ Follower”.

I have also grown closer to my husband Tom, and find that we can count on each other. When I am weak and can do nothing but sleep, sit and stare at the walls or cry, he is right there with me, holding me and murmuring the words I need to hear to bring me from that well of despair. He often cooks because I just can’t, or cleans because it all piles up and I just can’t find the strength to get up and clean. But in turn, I am also there for him on those rare occasions that he can’t sum the will to do what needs to be done.

There are many things every day that I can count as my blessings – even those that come disguised as anything else. I know with a conviction that I cannot explain that somehow…this too shall pass.

So when I don’t post or answer your emails – I’m probably still here, still surviving, but more then likely just conserving my energy. Thanks for those of you who wrote to see if I am okay…I so appreciate your concern and friendship.