December's Illusion

The sunshine upon my balcony is tempered by my umbrella that flutters lightly in the afternoon breeze, the birds are chirping and playing in the crabapple trees that are in front of our building, its quiet, with just the music playing from my laptop, and I am actually enjoying life at the moment; regardless of the state my life is in, it is nice to finally find some sense of peace, even if it is temporary.

In the sunny spot on the balcony I have a gallon jar full of water and black tea brewing for my first batch of sun tea of the season, and the flowers in my flower pots add some vibrant color to my little outdoor space.

The other day while on my way home from work, I had a momentary glimpse of a family working on the outside of their home, Dad was holding his little girl and they were looking in at Mom in through the window, and the little brother was in the yard, playing with the dogs and it made me wonder what my life would have been like had I have had a normal childhood. Where would I be now, how much of my life would have been different…would I still have Melissa and Stephanie, would I still have my grandbabies Kailie, Lexi, Emily & Kaiden?

I keep revisiting the issue of my past and how my past has shaped me and each time I wonder if those beginings were changed, would I be changed, would I no longer be the person I am inside, would those people I have cultivated my life with be changed, and if I would be changed, if the people who matter the most to me would no longer be those same people, would I really want to go back and change my beginnings, no matter how horrible my childhood was? Each time my answers are no.

I think that while my childhood led me down a different path than most people take, my teenage years took me to another path based on what I learned as a child, and it wasn’t until my young adult life I began to realize how hampered I was because of those paths I chose as a child, I still could change somewhat, and I could ensure that the circle my life revolved in was broken so that my own children didn’t have to repeat the same life I lived.

While there will not be enough time to do all the things I wanted to do with my life, perhaps by my children seeing my mistakes that I made, and perhaps by them knowing how much I regret, they won’t make the same mistakes as I did and won’t live to regret all the things that they didn’t do.

Its a wish every parent makes.

Yesterday late afternoon, while I was getting ready to get into my car to leave work, I heard Spring Peepers peeping from a small pond. This morning I woke to the sounds of birds chirping outside my window. If I look at the horizon around me, tints of green show in the tree lines. Here and there dainty white narcissus flowers have sprouted.

The glorious sights and sounds of spring.

Of course, I don’t need the sights and sounds to tell me that Mother Earth is in her journey of waking up from her long winters nap…my allergies are also in full bloom as well. But this year, even my allergies can’t stop me from enjoying one of my favorite seasons of the year.

Just before Easter, Tom, Steph, Lexi and I visited one of our favorite spots – Como Park. The flowers were in beautiful form and we enjoyed our visit as we normally do. I took a few pictures, shown are some of my favorite ones.

I am so ready for spring. Tired of feeling tired all the time. I am hopeful for positive things this year and ready to just revel in the wonder that is life.

In my late 20’s early 30’s I thought I had all the time in the world. I thought that I still had time to find the perfect man, get married again, have another baby, buy the perfect home, raise my family in a normal atmosphere, go to college, get a great job…save money for retirement, take a cruise, travel out of the United States, visit far away lands.

I thought that I had time to change my life to make it something better. Then I woke up one day with six grandchildren, three adult daughters and my life falling apart around me. I am 48.

How did I get here? I feel like I have slept through most of my life.

I have been married for the past 11 years to a wonderful man whom I cherish more than anything and in all reality is the perfect man for me. I raised my daughters alone for the most part of their lives and they are strong beautiful women, however, how they got to be so wonderful is beyond me. I am proud of who they have become in spite of their humble beginnings.

I went to college finally when they were in their teens and I was in my thirties, but it has taken me almost 12 years to find what I think is the perfect job.

Five years ago I woke up one day and found myself well in my fourties and I knew that I hadn’t done some of the things I wanted to do and I couldn’t go back and do them. Of course, at my age I wouldn’t even harbor the idea of another child, but if I could just win that lottery, I would buy a house, I would go visit a few far away places that I have always dreamed of visiting, and I would have enough to retire on.

I thought that there was so much in my life that I had time to do, then I thought that I didn’t have time to do any of it, but then I woke up and realized that yeah, I may not be where I had hoped to be by the age of 48, and while I haven’t done alot of the things that I wanted to do, I some how managed to keep my perspective on those things that mattered the most and surrounded my life with my family, precious friendships and love.

For a few years, I have been unable to communicate. All the emotions have been trapped inside, at first packed like sardines, then the words kept piling up, laying one on top of another until soon all the air pockets were crushed and the light from even the smallest of space was blocked out and I find myself enveloped in darkness. Again.

I can still breathe, but shallowly. Most of the time I try not to focus on my breathing because when I do it feels almost as if I can’t get enough air. my chest grows tight and I feel uncomfortable, like I can’t inhale enough oxygen, and the harder I try, the less I can breathe, until finally; a deep breath gets in and I can relax for a while. Occasionally my breathing stops and the struggle will start all over again. I wonder in my head if these are anxiety, stress related incidents.

I’m so tired of the struggle.

I drag myself up in the morning, wishing hope against hope that I could just go back to bed, for just a little while longer. I try, I lie back down, knowing the alarm has been shut off my mind screams at me until I get up for fear I will fall back asleep.

I drag myself around all day, willing my mind to stay focused on my work. Begging my mind to stay alert and clear so that no one will guess just how bad this depression really is. I can’t afford to not work. I can’t afford to lose my job.

I try to think of things that I would like to do when I get home, things I would like to accomplish, but it all fails me when I walk in the door to my apartment, the cloak of darkness returns and I am weighted down with the heftiness of its emotion. My breaths coming in shallow gasps, I flop down in the recliner, where I am almost instantly drained of all energy and I beg for forgiveness and ask if he can get dinner one more time, if he could take Maggie out, just tonight. I’ll do it tomorrow, I promise!

The words got so overpowering in my head that I was so tense and taught, my jaws would not relax and the noise in my head was so extreme that I felt like screaming “QUIET!”, inside my head I think I did say it.

I am so tired of having to always be the strong one. I am so tired of being the one to keep it together. I am tired of doing all the work and finding no enjoyment for all my work because I am too busy worrying over the next battle that is looming on the horizon. There is one battle after another. I come out victorious on one, just in time to battle the next incident.

The noise in my head is quieter now, so quiet I can hear the bathtub faucet dripping from the bedroom. I’ll have to go fix that before that is all I hear, drip-drip…drip-drip…drip-drip-drip. The bedroom window is open a crack and even though there is snow on the ground and the temperature is still freezing, the cool, crisp air is refreshing to the stale, hot odors of the entire apartment complex. Someone had bar-b-que for dinner, someone else had onions with their dinner, and someone else had pizza. (I saw the delivery guy pull up).

I’m exhausted once again, but it is a good kind of tired. The kind of tired that permeates your whole body, oozing out of your pores, the kind of tired that lets you know that you have truly accomplished something for once.

(a.)
Without color; not distinguished by any hue; transparent; as, colorless water.

(a.)
Free from any manifestation of partial or peculiar sentiment or feeling; not disclosing likes, dislikes, prejudice, etc.; as, colorless music; a colorless style; definitions should be colorless.

I am colorless.

Lately I have no particular sentiment or feeling. My still waters run so deep that no amount of persuading will bring out the thoughts within.

I have had days of feeling blue, I have had days of being in a black mood, or being so angry I saw red, I’ve even been tickled pink, but never in my life have I felt as colorless as I do now. Not even my baskets full of yarn inspire me to draw forth the creativity that lies underneath this colorless life of mine.

I walk from one tiny room into the next and stare at the walls, the floor, the ceilings and nothing catches my interests. I stare out the windows and the world outside is just as colorless and lifeless as I feel.

Even the birds are silent today.

Each day I get out of bed, drag myself to the bathroom, look in the mirror and think to myself, WHO IS THAT WOMAN staring back at me? I don’t even recognize myself any more. In my mind, I still looked the same as I did when I was 28, 38, 40… What happened?

Instead of seeing the woman with smooth skin, bright eyes that glitter, and long, rich, dark brunette hair, I see a woman who’s skin is still smooth, but there small wrinkles forming around the same eyes without the glitter, and hair that is now short and more peppered with more salt then with pepper. In some parts of India, woman who have gray hair are seen to have great wisdom…in America, women who have gray hair are seen as old. Being an American born and bred, what do you think I see?

I saw Old.

My life has not turned out the way I wanted it to. In fact, twenty years ago, I would have never thought that I was going to be partially disabled by the time I was 46. Honestly, ten years ago, I had thought that I would be living the life of my dreams by now. When I married the man of my dreams, and moved to Minnesota I had thought that we would be moving towards a healthy and happy middle age and then in time a secure retirement. This has proved to be so far from the truth, that I can’t even cry over it.

When I look back over the years, I see many things that I have done that were terrible mistakes, but I also see many more things that other people think were my mistakes that I don’t see as mistakes at all but in reality, blessings.

Its funny how some situations can bring about the worst consequence that you have ever experienced, yet in the end you find that it has really been a blessing all along because you were looking at it the wrong way. The reverse is true also.

While I would like many things to be different about my situation, I can’t help but see now that there is a purpose in all of this. It has taught me what is most important in my life.

Family, Love and Faith.

So I’m getting old…at least I can.

This is mine and Tom’s tenth anniversary. Ten years ago today we said “I do” to better or worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part. It has been ten years of worse, laced with some better and tons of sickness with very little health. But throughout it all, there has been an on going, loving and committed marriage. If I am have to have both crappy health and broke, I am so glad that Tom is the man he is who takes his vows as seriously as I do.

When I think back over the past ten years, there are a lot of things that I would do differently, if I had that chance to do them differently, but there are many things I would never want to change, and marrying Tom is one of those that I am so happy that I did.

With that paragraph, a cry from the other room calls out making me wish I would have started writing sooner. Work calls, my little day care bundle just woke from his nap…

Guess I’ll reminisce on this another time.

I know, I know. I don’t even need the comments to know you are wondering why December’s Illusion as compared to Illusive Life. They are similar, yet in time I think that DI’s difference and uniqueness will come to light; if not, well – that would be my life an Illusive Illusion.

Originally I wanted December’s Child, as I am December’s Child in more ways than the obvious of being born in December. But that domain was already in use. So, I thought long about it, went to bed and woke in the middle of the night with the words…December’s Illusion.

My life from the very beginning when I begun to think about it has always seemed like an illusion – something that I was intended to live and make the most out of, but it had always been illusive to my grasp.  It stayed that way for seven years, and, actually is still an illusion to me most of the time.

December’s Illusion is the cold, stark, sometimes bitter, sometimes sweet, sometimes illusionary, but always and forever my life – the illusion of December is that it brings about images of snow and icicles, santa’s and snowmen, holidays and presents, but the reality of it is that it can hold a multitude of things – laughter, smiles, warmth, love, lessons learned, experiences unknown before, sorrows, happiness…on and on and on…and this is my life – and an illusion and reality all wrapped up into one big red bow, ready for me to open and explore.

Welcome to my life.

Life has been taking me in a direction that I don’t want to go. I’ve been kicking, screaming and dragging my feet for the past year and all the while I have been carried along this current with the worst undertow I have ever felt and it’s taken almost all of the fight out of me.

What I know, what I thought I knew, life as I saw it, has all changed. I don’t even know if I am the same person any more. When I look back through the years and recall who I used to be, who I wanted to be and who I wanted to become, I wonder what has happened to that girl/woman of yesteryear.
Looking back I see bits and pieces of that person I was scattered along the debris of life’s highway and I feel for the tattered and torn remains of the shell that is left behind in this war on life.

Where have my hopes and dreams gone? Where have my aspirations and goals led me to and why did they deter so much from my original plans in life?

So many questions that need answers and so many answers that elude me and leave me feel like I am floundering in this ocean of life.

My life has very few constants in it – there are only a few things in which I can be truly certain of.

• I eat…sometimes
• I sleep… sometimes
• I pay bills, or try to
• I’m certain my husband loves me
• I have the love of my children
• The love of my granddaughters
• The love of my dog Maggie
• I know there is a God and someday (hopefully later rather than sooner) we will meet
• I have a few cherished family members and friends who love me and who I in turn love as much
• I will go to bed in pain
• I will awake in pain

When I started to write that list, I was going to be comically sarcastic and say I will eat, shit, pay taxes and die – but then I realized that I wouldn’t do myself any favors by not being honest with myself and not list those things that I am truly certain of.

Looking at the list, I begin to see something that I had not truly been aware of until now. Maybe I am looking at life all wrong. I know firsthand that when things get bad in life (and believe me I have had my share of bad in my life the past 8 years), we can’t seem to focus on all of the good that surrounds us every day and this makes it hard to see the positive because all we see, day after day is such negativity.

My life HAS had its share of negativity, it HAS had its share of life gone wrong, and I’ve had several people ask me when I was going to write my book (although I still don’t know what I would say), but at the same time, I often think that what I have been through, my whole life, not just the events in the past eight to ten years, is nothing compared to some of the bad events that others have lived through. I guess I have always believed that if I can find at least one good thing that I can take away from each day I am blessed with, than I am a fortunate person indeed.

I’ve been looking at life through a telescope with the lens on backwards, fighting changes that I have no control over instead of making the best of the situation and trying to see the good that can come from them.

It’s hard to carry a positive outlook everyday when you are faced with so many issues that douse the fires of any hopes and dreams you ever had. When you look at the world and all you see is gray, color begins to drain from your life and all you see is black and white – this is where the obvious certainty comes to play – you live, you eat, you shit and you die. That is about as black and white as you can get and the darkness of it all, the view from that position does nothing to lead you to believe that there is any hope at all for your life.

I’m going to stop kicking, screaming and dragging my feet and instead try to work with the changes the best way I can and turn something negative into something positive. Its time to turn that lens around the proper direction and focus on the sights before me instead of at me, because there are so many other views worth looking at, there are so many colors in life and the view is breathtaking indeed.

The sun is shinning, the air is warm, with that spring breeze gently blowing, and the sky is a beautiful shade of blue with patches of white fluffy clouds here and there. My music is the birds and the roar of lawn mowers…I could do without the lawn mowers but even those are pleasing; it means warm weather and sunshine.

I miss the symphony of the backyard at the in-laws house – the spring was inspiring with all the nature that seemed to surround it.  I enjoyed the occasional fox that wandered past on the hunt for something edible, the deer that would jump the fence to wander in the backyard to eat the bird seed out of the feeders, the flocks of turkey’s that would ungracefully fly over the fence and scatter throughout the yard for some morsel of something that they couldn’t find on the other side of the fence. It always amazed me that we were so close to the cities, yet there was all this wildlife right in our backyard.

I wonder sometimes if the Indigo Buntings that used to make the woods behind their home in the summer wonder where their specially purchased wild bird seed went…there is no bird seed there any longer. I enjoyed watching the nuthatches fly down for a black sunflower seed and fly back up to the tree – standing upside down, pop, pop, popping the seed against the bark on the tree to crack the shell open to reveal the seed inside. Why they thought standing upside down cracked that seed any easier is beyond me – but it sure was interesting to watch.

We had owls there too – at night, late at night I would stand on the deck and listen as a deep call sounded off to my left, and then moments later a higher pitched call in answer on my right deeper in the woods. They would call and answer to each other for hours…makes you wonder why they didn’t just fly to each other then they wouldn’t have to holler so loud. Maybe one was an old male and the other a young male and they were each declaring their space in the woods. Naw, I much rather enjoy thinking that they were mates, calling out their desires to each other.

Its been 3 years since the last time I went camping. I’d like to do that this year, but I’m not really sure that will be a possibility because of the other committments I have. Its definately going to be a busy summer.

I managed to plant a small garden in the back yard. We have a tomato plant, a row of cucumbers, a row of carrots, a row of peas and a row of radishes. I said it was small. I also planted some beautiful flowers. In front I have some bleeding hearts, a miniture rose bush given to me by my family during my second surgery and stay at the hospital this spring, some sort of flower moss ( as well as the rose moss in the hanging basket, pampered under lights in the basement all winter), and in back I have several pots of english daisies, orange daisies, and a variety of others, as well as all my house plants that are huddled on the deck in the shade, gradually being exposed to the outdoors.

Aside from the chore of taking care of the flowers and garden, I also have a trip home planned sometime next month. I’m looking forward to that. I’m planning to stay a night with each of my brothers, but I am also spending a few days with a very good friend that I haven’t seen in over 11 years. I’m a bit worried about what she will think of me – I have changed so much, and I am told she hasn’t really changed, on top of which she is single now and very much into the party, beer drinking stage…she is where I was at when I left home all those years ago, plus my circumstances have really changed me. Oh well – we were best of friends then, I think we will still be best of friends now…

Then when I return from that trip, I have a trip to Wyoming to make after the birth of my third granddaughter. I hope to stay there a couple of weeks to help out my grandbabies Mommy. I remember how much I could have used the help after my second child was born.

When I finally return from that trip I have to start preparring for the craft fair that The Knot & Bauble Shoppe will be participating in at the Slice of Shoreview festivities. I need to make sure I have enough inventory and I need to make sure everyone’s products are inventoried and cataloged, and that we have everything we need to make the sale a success.

During all that I still have the flowers, the garden, the grandbaby, the house work….but its good to stay busy.

Yet for now, think I will just lie back and gaze up into the sky, letting the warmth of the sunshine warm my heart, soul and face…and bask in the blessing of this beautiful day.